- Accountant – someone you hire to explain that you didn't make the money you did.
- Justice – a decision in your favour.
- Flattery – an insult in gift wrapping.
- Capitalism – the survival of the fattest.
- Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
- A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying...