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Marriage, My Story

Aug 08, 2012
 
by a sister who wishes to remain anonymous
 
I’ve been married for quite a few years. Alhamdulillah we are happy and have a strong relationship. Allah has also blessed us with two beautiful children. During the few years we have been married we lived with my husband’s parents for two years. We lived in a small house with eight people. We never really had any major problems with my husband’s parents or siblings living under the same roof as us.

However there was one problem my husband’s elder sister and her husband. From the day I came in to my husband’s parent’s home I realised that my sister in law and her husband (the son in law) played a great role in the parent’s home.

The daughter would say what she wants, do what she wants and ask many questions and no one would stop her. Whatever the son in law would say or any opinions he would give, his words were heard and acted upon. It was as though the son in law will click his fingers and the parents will come running.  However both of their behaviour until now is still accepted.

My husband and his brothers opinions are never paid attention to, there words and thoughts are covered by dust. All this does not bother anyone or shall I say that everyone’s eyes are blind towards this.

When I came in to the family the sister craved to know every little detail about our married life, from A to Z, in and out of the bedroom.  Most Moring before I would come down she would be there, tea time before mosque, after mosque she would be there. Whilst I was living there she and the children would spend most of their Saturdays at the parents’ home. Until know I still witness that her husband works six days a week and  the seventh day he will pass in resting. If she needs to go shopping whether it is for an occasion or not she will have to force her parent or siblings to come with her.

Whenever the parents need advice opinion or a task done the son in law will be at their service even though no one has asked him.  He will create a picture that he is the perfect son in law and husband, so his behaviour towards his own wife and children will stay covered. But I wonder how long someone can play this game. One day every one’s eyes will open up.

This is just a brief summary of what I witness from my eyes. Everyone judge things different, but this is how I see the situation. The message I would like to put across is that everyone has responsibilities.

Wife – Her responsibility is to fulfil the rights of her husband.

Husband – He needs to provide money, food and clothes for his wife and children. It is also important that the husband spends time with his family and participate in bringing up the children. Money will never buy happiness.

Recently I came across an 18 year old girl, well-mannered and brought up with a lot of respect. These were her words “my dad sold his business, I’m so glad. I still remember from the day we were young, that after Eid Salah my dad would go straight to the restaurant, coz that was the day he would make the most money.” An 18 year old and her words were enough to make my heart cry. I thought how sad, that it still has an effect on her.

Son in law – He does not need to give his advice or opinion to his in laws unless they ask him. He should be busy bonding with his family.

Parents – When the children are acting against the conduct of Islam they should by all means stop them. Weather they are married or not, and regardless of their age group. No matter how old or young a child is they will always be your children. At the end of the day when the child will act in an ill-mannered way the finger will always be pointed at the parents “did the parents not teach him / her anything?”

I will conclude by advising all parents before you bring a daughter in law in your house there should be rules

  • How your own children will approach her/talk to her
  • If the daughter in law is doing something wrong then the other siblings should not take the matter in their own hands, instead they should talk to the parents.
  • If the daughter is not behaving in a good manner towards the daughter in law or vice versa they need to stop the behaviour on the spot not deal with it later.

In this day and age, the society all ways look down at the daughter in law. Any problems in the family it will be pinned down on to the daughter in law.  Certain people will be swearing and shouting at the daughter in law, whist solving the problem. However Swearing is forbidden in Islam. By swearing your degrading yourself and family, and also you losing all respect in other people’s eye. Not just that one person loses respect but the whole family and there’s no dignity left in them. Yes sometimes it can be the daughter in laws fault, but always remember it takes two to tangle.  Sometimes it can also be other people’s behaviour and attitude that is causing the daughter in-law to behave in such a manner.

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