2014-07-30

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“SAVOURY Apologies”

After putting all of my friends under the microscope, my turn has come again. Whilst listening to all those dynamic women and researching our roles in society, I was so fired up that I had forgotten I had a very strict social code to upkeep. Whilst I floated on clouds of dreams , imagining a career as a dynamic public speaker as well as being the ultimate wife and mom to my future kids! It was then that I was brought down to a sudden crash landing!

Love & vanilla macrons
Aisha <3

I skipped through the mall, humming to myself. All was well in the world. I was to be married in just a few weeks. I had begun to read a lot of books and decided complete my matric through a local college that catered for people who hadn’t completed their schooling. I had gone for a Tafseer class that morning and it was as if I had a new lease on life! All this new information floating in my mind. I kept looking for people to share all that I had learnt, and ways to solidify my learning. I sometimes sit in shock when I realise how many years I wasted away doing nothing.

I had just passed @home when I saw a familiar face. My face broke out in a smile when I realised it was my soon to be husband. Oh that’s so sweet, he was shopping for our future home. Although we had been family friends for years, we had agreed not to chat before the wedding, to keep the barakah. I decided make salaam at least, as he was with his mother and I didn’t want to be rude. After a few minutes of nervous chit chat, the two of us grinning like idiots, his mom gave us a few minutes of private time whilst she loudly cleared her throat in the background, pretending not to listen.

Immediately, we began talking non-stop. He was so excited and told me about the honeymoon and his business plans. I filled him in on my new found goals and excitement to make something of my life. He was so happy to hear this and kept repeating how happy he was not to have a boring, complaining wife like most of his friends. He was especially impressed that I wanted to balance my Islamic studies as well as Secular studies. After more coughing and fake throat clearing we reluctantly parted ways.

I entered the house, singing out the Salaam in a cheerful voice when I saw the entire family sitting in the kitchen looking serious. “Uh oh” – I wondered what the family scandal is this time. My father called me by my full name and that’s when I knew, whatever this was, it had my name all over it. “Aunty Maryam phoned us now, she is very upset, something about not wanting an educated daughter in law with big ideas,” my mother snapped at me. “What is all this nonsense about finishing school and Tafseer classes? You know that you have to be a good wife and daughter-in-law. How will you do that if you are running from place to place!”

I had never seen my mom so angry. Everyone was speaking at once. “I would bring shame to the family should they decide to break the wedding now over such nonsense, and all the second cousins who had studied neglected their children and had second rate husbands.” I sat there shaking with anger but agreeing to everything my family decided. I was to go with my parents and apologise and agree to not bring up such ideas again.

That night, I sobbed to myself and whatsapp’ed Saaliha and Raeesa about the drama. They were both livid and told me to stand up for myself. Although I really wanted to, I knew this would never change their minds but land me in deeper water.

The next day, I dressed neatly and made some fresh savouries to take with to my in-laws home – that’s if they hadn’t disowned me by now! We stood at the door and Talha, my future husband opened it. He seemed surprised to see us, and then excited. I didn’t smile back. He could have told me himself that he didn’t want me to study, instead of getting his mom to embarrass me.

We sat in the lounge and I apologised, agreeing to be a good daughter-in-law when Talha suddenly demanded to know what was going on. His mother told him not to worry; she had heard my fancy talk and would settle this once and for all before the wedding.

He was so angry and said: “What is between myself and my future wife is private, and I think that if she is busy studying our Deen or educating hertself then she won’t be sitting on the phone the entire day and gossiping about the entire Dunya as all my cousins “good” wives are doing.”

After a long drawn out apology and an embarrassed salaam we returned home. No one knew what to make of this new turn of events. A husband who was willing to let his wife educate her mind was a shock to both our families. I smiled inwardly and realised that this was just the first battle , the war was still to come. But fight it I would…

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Points for Discussion:
1. Youth marrying without delay is encouraged in Islam. There is the schism between personal, marital and financial autonomy often enough though, especially when such men are financially dependent on their parents.
2. Adult children making their point heard and heeded by their parents without being disrespectful.
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