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<\/p>\nRabia Mayet | rabiamayet@radioislam.co.za<\/p>\n
04 February 2026<\/p>\n
7-minute read<\/p>\n
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Is keeping a home intact at all costs really the best gift we can give our children? Does a marriage where couples are staying together mean that the family staying healthy? Certainly, that may have been the mindset in a past of societal norms and cultures, but more couples are realizing that a stable upbringing where both parents are together may not necessarily be the ideal when the home environment is volatile.<\/p>\n
Counselling and play therapist, life coach and educationist Zaheera Badat said that the \u201cinstant culture\u201d society that we are living in today has extended to the disintegrating of relationships between husbands and wives. Disconnection is happening on every level, and relationships are becoming transitory and fleeting, eroding the family structure.<\/p>\n
While on the one hand the toxic environment of a home fraught with conflict, arguments, disagreements and silences is disturbing for a child of any age, the alternative of a separation or a divorce comes with its own set of challenges for the children like rebuilding lives.<\/p>\n
Many are facing the possibility of \u201cdo we stay or do we go?\u201d instead of going through the process of couples counselling, mediation and arbitration by family members, with the impact \u201cfalling squarely on the children.\u201d From the wife\u2019s perspective, living in chronic unhappiness creates burnout, resentment and can even lead to depression.<\/p>\n
The well-being of the child is deeply connected with that of the mother. Zaheera emphasized that \u201cwhen a woman is depleted, her capacity to be there for her children is also depleted.\u201d If the mother\u2019s mental health is protected, the child\u2019s emotional wellbeing will also be protected. The main reason people stay in a toxic marriage is because they think they are shielding the children. However, Zaheera mentioned some of the reasons that women choose to stay:<\/p>\n
As Muslims, we are taught to endure. While others may see it as an act of sacrifice, patience or sabr includes seeking help and making thoughtful decisions and is not meant to suppress or erase the emotional wellbeing of a person.<\/p>\n
There is a very big difference in sabr that nurtures a family and sabr that erodes a family. If you are not being nurtured in your marriage, you are unable to nurture your children, and you may seem available from the outside, but your children are fully aware that they cannot reach you emotionally. It may be possible to protect children from the unhappiness that you feel, but you cannot shield them from the negative environment in your home, where you are putting on a facade.<\/p>\n
So, what does an unhappy marriage look like to a child in therapy? Many young children do not have the words to express how they are feeling as it is beyond their scope of understanding. \u201cChildren internalise their emotional climate,\u201d stated Zaheera, so they play out fear and confusion during therapy, demonstrating their own unhappiness. Kids can adapt better to a healthy change than remaining in a \u201cpressure cooker.\u201d For children, silence equals uncertainty, and they do not benefit from their parents \u201cenduring pain quietly,\u201d but rather from emotional honesty. Some kids block out what\u2019s happening in their home, others may display how they\u2019re feeling through body language or overtly aggressive behaviour, some may become tearful, and still others may role-play and act rudely. Older children can express themselves in words, but for younger kids, play-therapy happens on their terms. In a near-perfect relaxed home, children are more relaxed when playing, but when the home is tense, children may persistently play out a happy-families scenario or act aggressively.<\/p>\n
Before the children came along, the family unit consisted of the couple alone. Because kids process everything, Zaheera suggested not getting your kids involved in resolving your issues. Young adults or teens deal with things in one of two ways – either they show that they don\u2019t care, or they align with one parent and become that parent\u2019s confidante, becoming privy to the internal dynamics of the marriage and thereby forcing alliances. This creates preconceived ideas with young girls having misconceived perceptions of the male gender and young boys becoming misogynistic on identifying with their father when he demonises their mother. Even very young children show the effects of home conflict, and adult children feel the effect of their parents\u2019 issues.<\/p>\n
So, when can staying work? It can only work when the couple is willing to make a change together, can put aside their \u201cfragile egos,\u201d and can commit to \u201crestoring emotional safety to their home,\u201d said Zaheera. When partners commit to undergo whatever process to make their marriage work and their home peaceful, kids learn resilience, accountability, mercy, forgiveness and clemency.<\/p>\n
And when will staying for the sake of the children no longer work? When adults decide to separate, knowing that leaving, not staying, will preserve their family values. Parents who are planning on separation or divorce must handle the situation in a \u201cholistically healthy\u201d way. For children, the adjustment to a new life is easier when the separation is amicable and respectable on all fronts. Children cope better with change than they do in a very quiet or excessively noisy household that is fraught with unhappiness due to conflicting parents. Kids should look at separation from the \u201cpoint of viewership\u201d and not become embroiled in their parent\u2019s battle and the \u201cdirty aspects of what divorce looks like.\u201d Children at all levels of development still need both parents to be emotionally present for them. While divorce will never be a \u201cgood experience,\u201d parents must ensure that their kids perceive it in a healthy way, maintain their own integrity and separate without guilt. Zaheera concluded on this note: \u201cIf our goal is to have healthy children, then healthy children are raised by emotionally supportive mothers.\u201d<\/p>\n