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<\/p>\nRabia Mayet | rabiamayet@radioislam.co.za<\/p>\n
29 October 2026<\/p>\n
8-minute read<\/p>\n
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Imagine if your son has been married for months without you knowing, or that your daughter has entered into a nikah without telling you, or living in fear of others finding out that you yourself have a hidden spouse. Complicated, controversial, and emotionally charged, the topic of the secret nikah or the hidden nikah is one that most families find very difficult to discuss.<\/p>\n
On Bridging the Gap, Najma Bibi Noor Mahomed and her co-host Zaheera Singh dissected The Hidden Nikah: When Marriage Begins in Secret. The point of the discussion is not to shame people, but rather to understand the consequences and the impact on the people it affects.<\/p>\n
What is a Secret Nikah?<\/strong><\/p>\n Zaheera began with the statement: \u201cA secret nikah isn\u2019t simply about keeping a wedding ceremony quiet.\u201d Rather it leads to other questions like:<\/p>\n When Does Privacy become Secrecy?<\/strong><\/p>\n There are countless reasons why people choose to perform a nikah in secret, but \u201cthe word secret doesn\u2019t automatically tell us why the marriage was hidden,\u201d Zaheera commented. And it is important to differentiate between privacy where the couple chooses not to share it with everyone, confidentiality where only the people who genuinely need to know are informed, and secrecy where the marriage is deliberately hidden from people who need to know about it.<\/p>\n Is a Secret Nikah Valid?<\/strong><\/p>\n There are certain requirements that vary among the different schools of jurisprudence when it comes to the validity of a nikah. Certain factors like the presence of a wali, witnesses, consent and mahr come into play. If there is any doubt, an aalim, a trusted scholar or a recognised Islamic authority should be consulted.<\/p>\n Why Hide the Nikah?<\/strong><\/p>\n Strangely, \u201cmarriage doesn\u2019t automatically solve family conflict \u2013 sometimes it moves the conflict into the marriage.\u201d An important consideration is whether the couple mutually chose secrecy or if the one convinced the other to attempt it.<\/p>\n Nikah is not a Private Declaration<\/strong><\/p>\n A marriage should not be based on emotional blackmail, nor should secrecy be romanticised as proof of love, said Zaheera, because the purpose of marriage is to create relationships, responsibilities and consequences that extend beyond the couple. In Islam, marriage is not a game \u2013 it is a serious, recognisable, social and religious commitment. If the nikah is hidden from the world, what happens when questions arise about rights, if there\u2019s a dispute, if one spouse denies the marriage, when children are born, when inheritance comes in, or if the nikah dissolves?<\/p>\n Secrecy Takes Energy<\/strong><\/p>\n Secrets are difficult to keep, and they heighten the tension in the couple, who are always worried about people finding out and being seen together in public. Then there is the unnecessary conflict about when to reveal the marriage, guilt at having lied to one\u2019s parents, the anger at hiding it, resentment at unfulfilled promises, and fear at being disowned. \u201cSecrecy can become the invisible third person in the marriage.\u201d<\/p>\n We\u2019ll Tell them When the Time is Right<\/strong><\/p>\n In certain cases, there may be the additional complication where parents give approval for the couple to get married\u2026only to find out that they\u2019ve already made nikah! Couples who make nikah in secrecy for reasons of fear of rejection, being disowned, disappointing their parents, or simply avoiding a difficult conservation, will never find the right time to disclose their secret because \u201ctime keeps moving.\u201d When parents do eventually find out, they are hurt and feel that their child has taken away the chance to be a part of their joy of the new chapter that has begun, and to give the couple their blessings. \u201cUnderstanding the reason doesn\u2019t mean excusing the secrecy!\u201d When it does come out, children should not further exacerbate hiding their nikah by minimising what they did.<\/p>\n When the Secret is Out<\/strong><\/p>\n Eventually, every secret is discovered; the truth always comes out. When the family does find out that the couple have already gotten married, they will have to face a flurry of questions. While most of them will come from a background of hurt rather than anger at being excluded, some family members may react in an unreasonable or controlling way.<\/p>\n The Mother\u2019s Perspective<\/strong><\/p>\n Feelings of rejection, betrayal, embarrassment, anger, confusion, worry and heartbreak are all emotional reactions that a mother will feel when she hears that her son or daughter has gotten married without trusting her enough to notify her. \u201cYour child\u2019s secrecy doesn\u2019t automatically mean that you are a bad parent,\u201d Zaheera emphasized. Don\u2019t blame yourself for your child\u2019s decision. As a mother, your response matters. Threats, screaming and humiliation may push your child even further away.<\/p>\n The Father\u2019s Perspective<\/strong><\/p>\n Father\u2019s may experience the issue differently; feeling that their position has been undermined, their responsibility has been taken away, and that they should have been consulted. They may also have concerns about whether the nikah was conducted correctly.\u201d Anger can quickly become damaging\u201d – fathers may resort to cruelty because of the humiliation that has come upon the family.<\/p>\n The Changing Family Dynamic<\/strong><\/p>\n The hidden nikah undoubtedly changes the relationship between the couple and their families. Parents become suspicious, siblings feel excluded, and in-laws may be on the defensive. Most parents will not blame their child but blame the other party. Families should be looking at ways to move forward responsibly. Zaheera advises the girl and the boy to communicate and approach their families, take responsibility, acknowledge their faults, apologise sincerely, make amends and move forward. Don\u2019t have unrealistic expectations and \u201cexpect all of this to kind of wither away,\u201d but help your family adjust to the new reality.<\/p>\n What about the Children?<\/strong><\/p>\n It goes without saying that if the wife falls pregnant, the secret nikah will be impossible to conceal. Once disclosed, disagreements on a variety of issues can ensue, that can have the child stuck in the middle. Children must not be made to carry the emotional burden of their parents.<\/p>\n Legally and Practically<\/strong><\/p>\n Has the marriage been legally recognised and properly documented? And under what legislation? Marriage affects matters like financial responsibility, property rights, inheritance laws, parental rights, medical decisions and the legal status of spouses and children. Proper legal advice is necessary when undertaking a marriage that is undisclosed.<\/p>\n Now That the Secret is Out\u2026<\/strong><\/p>\n The couple should:<\/p>\n The parents should:<\/p>\n When Secrecy in Necessary<\/strong><\/p>\n We must make room for this reality. A history of violence, threats, facing a forced marriage and feeling unsafe are some of the reasons when a secret or hidden marriage may be the only way to avoid a crisis and stay safe.<\/p>\n Final Thoughts<\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cA marriage should not need a lifetime of hiding.\u201d Love, attraction, compatibility and faith all matter, but so does communication, honesty, responsibility and accountability. A secret may begin \u201cjust between us\u201d but can never stay that way \u2013 a marriage consists of families, children, responsibilities, emotional consequences, legal considerations, and religious obligations.<\/p>\n \u201cIf you love me, you\u2019ll marry me\u201d should never be a reason to rush into a secret nikah. Don\u2019t expect things to work out afterwards if you do not have the approval of your parents and families. Marriage requires maturity more than courage. Young adults must learn to make responsible decisions alongside heeding advice from elders. Zaheera concluded with the wise words: \u201cPrivacy can protect a marriage, but secrecy can also create burdens that the marriage must eventually carry.\u201d Build a marriage that can stand in the light, rather than one that has to survive in the shadows.<\/p>\n Reach out to Zaheera Singh on her email at zaheera.s@outlook.com<\/p>\n\n
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