Rabia Mayet | rabiamayet@radioislam.co.za

29 October 2026

8-minute read

Imagine if your son has been married for months without you knowing, or that your daughter has entered into a nikah without telling you, or living in fear of others finding out that you yourself have a hidden spouse. Complicated, controversial, and emotionally charged, the topic of the secret nikah or the hidden nikah is one that most families find very difficult to discuss.

On Bridging the Gap, Najma Bibi Noor Mahomed and her co-host Zaheera Singh dissected The Hidden Nikah: When Marriage Begins in Secret. The point of the discussion is not to shame people, but rather to understand the consequences and the impact on the people it affects.

What is a Secret Nikah?

Zaheera began with the statement: “A secret nikah isn’t simply about keeping a wedding ceremony quiet.” Rather it leads to other questions like:

• why the nikah was kept secret,
• who knew about it and who didn’t,
• the validity of the nikah,
• fulfilment of the necessary Islamic requirements,
• the possible deliberate exclusion of parents,
• was there pressure, coercion or manipulation that led to it,
• what happens when the nikah becomes known and the couple has to explain themselves, and
• what happens to a marriage done in secrecy?

When Does Privacy become Secrecy?

There are countless reasons why people choose to perform a nikah in secret, but “the word secret doesn’t automatically tell us why the marriage was hidden,” Zaheera commented. And it is important to differentiate between privacy where the couple chooses not to share it with everyone, confidentiality where only the people who genuinely need to know are informed, and secrecy where the marriage is deliberately hidden from people who need to know about it.

Is a Secret Nikah Valid?

There are certain requirements that vary among the different schools of jurisprudence when it comes to the validity of a nikah. Certain factors like the presence of a wali, witnesses, consent and mahr come into play. If there is any doubt, an aalim, a trusted scholar or a recognised Islamic authority should be consulted.

Why Hide the Nikah?

1. Fear,
2. Conflict between two families,
3. Different cultures and backgrounds,
4. Control – young people may not want their parents to be involved in who they marry,
5. Impatience – the couple does not want to wait.

Strangely, “marriage doesn’t automatically solve family conflict – sometimes it moves the conflict into the marriage.” An important consideration is whether the couple mutually chose secrecy or if the one convinced the other to attempt it.

Nikah is not a Private Declaration

A marriage should not be based on emotional blackmail, nor should secrecy be romanticised as proof of love, said Zaheera, because the purpose of marriage is to create relationships, responsibilities and consequences that extend beyond the couple. In Islam, marriage is not a game – it is a serious, recognisable, social and religious commitment. If the nikah is hidden from the world, what happens when questions arise about rights, if there’s a dispute, if one spouse denies the marriage, when children are born, when inheritance comes in, or if the nikah dissolves?

Secrecy Takes Energy

Secrets are difficult to keep, and they heighten the tension in the couple, who are always worried about people finding out and being seen together in public. Then there is the unnecessary conflict about when to reveal the marriage, guilt at having lied to one’s parents, the anger at hiding it, resentment at unfulfilled promises, and fear at being disowned. “Secrecy can become the invisible third person in the marriage.”

We’ll Tell them When the Time is Right

In certain cases, there may be the additional complication where parents give approval for the couple to get married…only to find out that they’ve already made nikah! Couples who make nikah in secrecy for reasons of fear of rejection, being disowned, disappointing their parents, or simply avoiding a difficult conservation, will never find the right time to disclose their secret because “time keeps moving.” When parents do eventually find out, they are hurt and feel that their child has taken away the chance to be a part of their joy of the new chapter that has begun, and to give the couple their blessings. “Understanding the reason doesn’t mean excusing the secrecy!” When it does come out, children should not further exacerbate hiding their nikah by minimising what they did.

When the Secret is Out

Eventually, every secret is discovered; the truth always comes out. When the family does find out that the couple have already gotten married, they will have to face a flurry of questions. While most of them will come from a background of hurt rather than anger at being excluded, some family members may react in an unreasonable or controlling way.

The Mother’s Perspective

Feelings of rejection, betrayal, embarrassment, anger, confusion, worry and heartbreak are all emotional reactions that a mother will feel when she hears that her son or daughter has gotten married without trusting her enough to notify her. “Your child’s secrecy doesn’t automatically mean that you are a bad parent,” Zaheera emphasized. Don’t blame yourself for your child’s decision. As a mother, your response matters. Threats, screaming and humiliation may push your child even further away.

The Father’s Perspective

Father’s may experience the issue differently; feeling that their position has been undermined, their responsibility has been taken away, and that they should have been consulted. They may also have concerns about whether the nikah was conducted correctly.” Anger can quickly become damaging” – fathers may resort to cruelty because of the humiliation that has come upon the family.

The Changing Family Dynamic

The hidden nikah undoubtedly changes the relationship between the couple and their families. Parents become suspicious, siblings feel excluded, and in-laws may be on the defensive. Most parents will not blame their child but blame the other party. Families should be looking at ways to move forward responsibly. Zaheera advises the girl and the boy to communicate and approach their families, take responsibility, acknowledge their faults, apologise sincerely, make amends and move forward. Don’t have unrealistic expectations and “expect all of this to kind of wither away,” but help your family adjust to the new reality.

What about the Children?

It goes without saying that if the wife falls pregnant, the secret nikah will be impossible to conceal. Once disclosed, disagreements on a variety of issues can ensue, that can have the child stuck in the middle. Children must not be made to carry the emotional burden of their parents.

Legally and Practically

Has the marriage been legally recognised and properly documented? And under what legislation? Marriage affects matters like financial responsibility, property rights, inheritance laws, parental rights, medical decisions and the legal status of spouses and children. Proper legal advice is necessary when undertaking a marriage that is undisclosed.

Now That the Secret is Out…

The couple should:

1. Stop adding more secrets – additional lies will merely worsen the situation.
2. Verify the religious status of the marriage.
3. Check the legal position of the marriage.
4. Have a serious conversation as to why you did this, what you are afraid will happen, what and when will you tell your families, how will you handle their reaction, the boundaries to establish, and can you stand together to face the consequences?

The parents should:

1. Keep calm and breathe.
2. Find out the facts – the who, when, where, what, why and how of the marriage.
3. Separate feelings from facts.
4. Don’t immediately attack your child’s spouse – humiliation rarely produces resolution.
5. Aks the difficult question: “Did anything about your parenting contribute to your child feeling unable to approach you?”
6. Don’t confuse acceptance with approval.

When Secrecy in Necessary

We must make room for this reality. A history of violence, threats, facing a forced marriage and feeling unsafe are some of the reasons when a secret or hidden marriage may be the only way to avoid a crisis and stay safe.

Final Thoughts

“A marriage should not need a lifetime of hiding.” Love, attraction, compatibility and faith all matter, but so does communication, honesty, responsibility and accountability. A secret may begin “just between us” but can never stay that way – a marriage consists of families, children, responsibilities, emotional consequences, legal considerations, and religious obligations.

“If you love me, you’ll marry me” should never be a reason to rush into a secret nikah. Don’t expect things to work out afterwards if you do not have the approval of your parents and families. Marriage requires maturity more than courage. Young adults must learn to make responsible decisions alongside heeding advice from elders. Zaheera concluded with the wise words: “Privacy can protect a marriage, but secrecy can also create burdens that the marriage must eventually carry.” Build a marriage that can stand in the light, rather than one that has to survive in the shadows.

Reach out to Zaheera Singh on her email at zaheera.s@outlook.com

Listen to the full discussion on Bridging the Gap with Sister Najma Bibi Noor Mahomed and Zaheera Singh.