Rabia Mayet | rabiamayet@radioislam.co.za

11 September 2024

5-minute read

In exploring the landscape of the modern lifestyle with the high divorce rate we are facing, the topic of civil co-parenting comes to the fore. While divorce changes the way we parent, our children’s wellbeing should be our first priority; with each parent helping them navigate the challenges of being raised without the presence of both.

As adults, navigating our own emotions can result in our children’s needs and feelings taking a back seat. Kids, especially younger ones, have “no emotional regulations” and cannot understand multi-faceted feelings; neither can they comprehend the intricacies of the marriage that is ending or has ended. Thus a good co-parenting dynamic with effective communication is essential, and a respectful and co-operative partnership must be maintained.

Common emotions parents face when a relationship ends are grief from mourning the life you envisioned, the expectations you shared, and the loss of love you felt; guilt at hurting your child; anxiety at navigating your new life as a single parent; and anger and resentment. Parents need to work on negative emotions by recognizing and acknowledging feelings, instead of bottling them up in order to “model good behaviour for your child”.  If you manage and deal with emotions in a healthy way, it will trickle down to your child and this will foster communication and a positive environment for yourself and your children. Another way to deal with negative emotions is to surround yourself with positive people and prioritize yourself with therapy, self-care, or a new hobby.

Zainab Dockrat, a BSc Honours graduate and family and grief counsellor cited: “When you handle your emotions, you teach your children to handle theirs”. She shared some do’s and don’ts of co-parenting:

1. Do prioritize your child
2. Do minimize negative emotions in front of your child
3. Do keep calm and learn to control your own responses
4. Do handle the situation like a team and respect each other
5. Do have shared goals with your ex-partner on raising your children separately
6. Do seek out counselling and family therapy
7. Don’t talk negatively about, make fun of or undermine the other parent, or play victim
8. Don’t keep your child away from the other parent out of anger or spite
9. Don’t ask your child to take sides
10. Don’t ask your child to spy on the other parent
11. Don’t be inconsistent with the co-parenting plan
12. Don’t let promises fall through

It is detrimental to put your child in the middle of your relationship issues in a marriage or while going through a divorce, as this will cause a lot of emotional issues for your child. Communication in a co-parenting relationship deserves realistic expectations. Zainab shared some tips to good communication – Comprehend what the other parent is trying to say; employ active listening skills and do not interrupt when your co-parent is speaking; be able to apologize, especially when you are late or cannot fulfill certain expectations; become a team even though you are divorced. Additionally, always remain calm, especially during disagreements; use neutral language; be firm and clear about your emotions; focus on the facts; do not start blaming or use accusatory words; and do not use any moment of communication as a dig towards your ex-spouse. Using written communication as often as possible will circumvent misunderstandings and break-downs in communication.  There are many benefits to maintaining open communication – it instils a feeling of stability within your child, it reduces misunderstandings and tension, and over time, co-parents will build a trustworthy and respectful relationship. Seek out therapy especially if you feel overwhelmed as this will teach you healthy conflict resolution skill; allow you to deal with emotions in a neutral space; and give you techniques to process your separation and deal with it in a mature way. Know that time heals all wounds.

Look out for signs that your child might be struggling with the new family dynamic. Aggression and defiance; mood swings, emotional outbursts, sleep disturbances, a decline in school work; avoiding their friends or activities they usually enjoy; physical complaints like stomach-aches and headaches, are all clear indications that your child is not coping. Younger children may regress through bed-wetting and develop separation anxiety. In certain instances, your child will even tell you how they are feeling. In these situations, seek professional help and keep the lines of communication open. Talk to your child about how they are feeling and involve them in your co-parenting. Most of all, reassure your child that you love them unconditionally.

When it comes to practical co-parenting, it goes without saying that instilling good values in your children is at the top of the list. Have a list of topics on hand that you would like to cover regarding your child; lock down a plan; deal with the issue of disciplining at two different houses; agree to goals; do not make decisions without involving the other parent; and talk to each other about your children as you need to “have each other’s back”. Most of all, don’t forget that your child is your number one priority.

Listen to teh full interview with Faaiza Munshi and Zainab Dockrat on New Horizons.