Stages of Grief

Grief is universal. At some point in everyone’s life, there will be at least one encounter with grief. It may be from the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, the end of a relationship, or any other change that alters life as you know it.

Grief is also very personal. It’s not very neat or linear. It doesn’t follow any timelines or schedules. Everyone grieves differently, but there are some commonalities in the stages and the order of feelings experienced during grief.

Stage 1: Denial

The denial stage involves feelings of resistance, shock, and avoidance. When a tragedy first hits, an automatic response is often disbelief and attempts to deny the reality of it. The numbness that we often feel during this stage is a survival mechanism- a way to cope when things feel too overwhelming to face.

Even the most righteous have experienced this emotional response during times of grief. When the Prophet ﷺ passed on to the mercy of Allah, ʿUmar (RA) struggled with denial: ʿUmar stood up and said, “By Allah! Allah’s Messenger ﷺ is not dead!” ʿUmar (later on) said, “By Allah! Nothing occurred to my mind except that.” He said, “Verily! Allah will resurrect him and he will cut the hands and legs of some men.” (Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī, no. 3667)

Denial can be especially difficult because it’s filled with uncertainty and unknowns. There is usually a lot to process, but not much action to take because the future is uncharted territory.

Stage 2: Anger

Anger often arises to protect us from the more painful emotions we feel during times of grief and loss. Anger allows us to feel powerful when we feel helpless in the face of what we have lost. Underneath our anger other deep emotions are brewing—anxiety, abandonment, loneliness, confusion, and pain. You may be feeling angry at everyone around you, at the news you hear every day, and at the changes that you have no control over. Your anger gives you something to focus on during a time when you may feel as though you are floating in an overwhelming sea of nothingness.

Remember that feelings move through us. If you are experiencing anger right now, it doesn’t mean you’ll feel angry forever. Allow yourself to acknowledge that you are feeling angry but don’t react in anger. One way in which we can do this by: “Seeking refuge in Allah” Two people insulted each other in the presence of the Messenger of Allah ﷺ and the eyes of one of them became red like embers and the veins of his neck were swelling. The Prophet ﷺ said, “Verily, I know a word he could say to calm himself: I seek refuge in Allah from the cursed Satan.” (Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī, no. 5764; Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim, no. 2610.)

Stage 3: Bargaining

A lot of people interpret the COVID-19 pandemic as a personal punishment from Allah (swt) for their shortcomings. While holding ourselves accountable for our mistakes is an important step toward growth and repentance, viewing your personal shortcomings as the reason why so many are suffering can lead to an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame. Guilt often goes hand-in-hand with the bargaining stage. This stage often includes “If only…” statements due to the feelings of regret that come up with loss. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ advised us against these thoughts that inevitably bring up more pain. He said, “If anything befalls you, do not say, ‘If only I had done such and such.” Rather say ‘Qaddara Allāhu wa-mā shāʾa faʿala (Allah has decreed and whatever He wills, He does).’ For (saying) ‘If’ opens (the door) to the deeds of Satan.” (Sunan Ibn Mājah, no. 79)

Bargaining is an attempt to regain control during uncontrollable situations. Focusing on the factors within your control, rather than on regrets and a desire to return to the less painful past, can help you to get through this stage.

Stage 4: Depression

Once our attention shifts away from the past and into the present, the depression stage can hit hard. We truly begin to feel the losses we’ve experienced, which can yield intense feelings of sadness, loneliness and emptiness. This stage can feel as though it’ll stretch on interminably. These feelings even impacted the best of humanity—the Prophets of Allah عليهم السلام. We see the intensity of these emotions in the Prophet Yaʿqūb عليه السلام when he was separated from his son Yūsuf and he grieved so deeply that his eyes turned white due to the extent to which he cried. His intense grief is expressed in the Qur’an, “And he (Yaʿqūb  عليه السلام) said, ‘Oh, my sorrow over Yūsuf,’ and his eyes became white from grief because of the sorrow that he suppressed.”

This stage, just like the other stages, will not last forever. Remember the promise of Allah (swt), “For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease. Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease.” The depression stage is part of the process of moving forward after a loss. Remember that every moment of sadness and pain, no matter how overwhelming, is a part of the process of healing.

Stage 5: Acceptance

For those who have lost a loved one, this stage is different. It involves accepting the reality that this person is physically gone and that this new reality is the permanent reality. Acceptance does not mean that you’re “ok” with what happened. The loss of someone you love will likely never feel ok. The goal in this stage is to learn how to live with this loss and create a new normal despite the huge piece that is missing. At first, you may find yourself trying to live life exactly as you did before a loved one died. The acceptance stage is a huge step forward in living a life that honours your loss while still allowing you to find purpose and fulfilment amidst this void.

Accepting the reality of a loss in our lives—whether that be loss through death, job layoffs, or divorce—is an essential step in healing. Finding meaning cannot erase your grief; pain is a natural reaction to intense loss. However, it can help ease the anguish and help you move forward. As we see in the different stages of grief, our minds can often lead us down negative spirals that increase our torment—finding meaning can help to mitigate this.