Coping with Toxic Family Members
How to cope is complicated because every situation is unique. There is no non-flop recipe nor perfect solution that works like a magic wand and just sorts everything out. However, remember that time and patience is a key ingredient. It`s because its people`s emotions that we dealing with here and people take time to realise their mistakes and to mend their ways.

We discuss with you today some ideas and points to consider, but you should use your intuition and reason to choose the best course of action. Not all of these ideas will work for your particular situation, but some are a must.

Live for Allah
أَوَلَمْ يَكْفِ بِرَبِّكَ أَنَّهُۥ عَلَىٰ كُلِّ شَىْءٍ شَهِيدٌ
… Is it not sufficient concerning your Lord that He is, over all things, a Witness? [Fussilat, 41: 53]

Place your hopes in Allah, and not in people. Allah is All-Seeing and All-Hearing, and He will reward your for your patience and sincerity.

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said:
الْمُؤْمِنُ الَّذِي يُخَالِطُ النَّاسَ وَيَصْبِرُ عَلَى أَذَاهُمْ أَعْظَمُ أَجْرًا مِنَ الْمُؤْمِنِ الَّذِي لاَ يُخَالِطُ النَّاسَ وَلاَ يَصْبِرُ عَلَى أَذَاهُمْ ‏‏
“The believer who mixes with people and bears their annoyance with patience will have a greater reward than the believer who does not mix with people and does not put up with their annoyance.” [Sunan ibn Majah 4032]

If you focus on Allah and on earning His pleasure, then you will try to be a good Muslim regardless of how other people act.
Try to show toxic family members kindness and understanding, but also limit your contact with them to protect yourself from their toxic behaviours.

Many toxic family members are going through difficult times. They may be suffering from health and/or emotional problems. You can try to show them understanding to the best of your ability. If they request something from you, you can respect their requests (as long as they are reasonable and permissible in Islam).

Take care of yourself and know your limits.
Our Prophet ﷺ said:
إِنَّ الدِّينَ يُسْرٌ، وَلَنْ يُشَادَّ الدِّينَ أَحَدٌ إِلاَّ غَلَبَهُ، فَسَدِّدُوا وَقَارِبُوا وَأَبْشِرُوا، وَاسْتَعِينُوا بِالْغَدْوَةِ وَالرَّوْحَةِ وَشَىْءٍ مِنَ الدُّلْجَةِ
“Religion is very easy and whoever overburdens himself in his religion will not be able to continue in that way. So you should not be extremists, but try to be near to perfection and receive the good tidings that you will be rewarded; and gain strength by worshipping in the mornings, the afternoons, and during the last hours of the nights.” [Bukhari 39]

Remember to not “overburden” yourself. Take care of yourself by making dua to Allah, exercising patience and expressing your feelings to a caring person. Many stress experts believe that the stress caused by other people is the most damaging of all stressors.

Take responsibility for your happiness by finding ways to cope and relax.
Also, do not take the toxic behaviour of family members personally. They are the ones with a problem, not you.
Find peace in truth and wisdom.

As quoted above, Allah is truly the Witness of all things. When someone is behaving unjustly to you, find peace in the truth of the situation, knowing that Allah is enough as a Witness.

Sometimes it is best to be silent.
Our Prophet ﷺ said:
ومن كان يؤمن بالله واليوم الآخر فليقل خيراً أو ليصمت
“Whosoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, let him speak good, or keep silent.” [Bukhari and Muslim]
If you are not sure that what you are about to say to a toxic family member is “good”, then perhaps it’s best to keep silent. When a family member is angry or disrespectful, he/she is not in a state of mind to listen to reason anyway.
If you are feeling angry, you may say something that you regret.

وَأَطِيعُوا۟ ٱللَّهَ وَرَسُولَهُۥ وَلَا تَنَـٰزَعُوا۟ فَتَفْشَلُوا۟ وَتَذْهَبَ رِيحُكُمْ ۖ وَٱصْبِرُوٓا۟ ۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ مَعَ ٱلصَّـٰبِرِينَ
And obey Allah and His Messenger ﷺ and do not quarrel for then you will be weak in hearts and your power will depart, and be patient; surely Allah is with the patient. [Al-Anfal, 8: 46]

Our Prophet ﷺ said,
إِنَّ أَبْغَضَ الرِّجَالِ إِلَى اللَّهِ الْأَلَدُّ الخَصِمُ
“The man who is most hateful to God is the one who quarrels and disputes most.” [Bukhari and Muslim]
Listen to your intuition and use your reason.

Use your intuition and reason to decide how to respond to a toxic family member. Many psychologists believe that intuition is simply your past knowledge and experience coming out in a fast message; this definition of intuition can also be called: wisdom. Islam teaches us to use our reason and to gain wisdom from our life experiences.

For example: Use your intuition to decide when is the best time to talk about an issue with a family member.

Set and enforce boundaries and keep your distance.
Every healthy relationship has some boundaries. Boundaries are limits that you set with other people.
Examples: You can set boundaries about how often you will meet or talk to toxic family members. You can tell family members what kind of behaviours you will not accept from them. If a family member does not respect your boundaries, then you need to have some kind of consequence.

Seek support.
Surround yourself with positive people who care about you and support you. Use your support systems to help solve any problems you are having with toxic family members.
Sometimes it’s best to speak directly to toxic family members.

Again, use your intuition/experience to decide when it’s best to speak more directly to a toxic family member about his/her behaviours. You can respectfully explain to them what they are doing that is disturbing you.

Examples: You can say, “I feel insulted when you say…” You can also ask them, “That’s interesting…Why would you say that?” You can explain to them that you will not tolerate dishonesty, manipulation, or rude behaviour.

Do not feel hatred towards toxic family members.
Hating family members for being toxic only brings more toxicity into your life.
If their toxic behaviour becomes physically abusive, it’s a legal matter that must be addressed.

Physical abuse is never tolerated in Islam.
Showing kindness to family members is highly rewarded, but at the same time, we need to take care of ourselves so that we can be kind, healthy people in the long-run. If your mental health is suffering from the effects of toxic family members, you should treat yourself with kindness and protect yourself from harm. Also remember that you are not alone and that many people suffer from toxic family relationships.

You will be a happier person if you can avoid toxic family members and set boundaries. Setting boundaries is not easy; it means saying “no” and limiting contact. Just because people are related to you does not give them the right to be hurtful and dishonest. Family members are supposed to love and support one another.

May Allah protect us from toxic people and help everyone become better people. Ameen!