Rabia Mayet | rabiamayet@radioislam.co.za

04 February 2026

7-minute read

Is keeping a home intact at all costs really the best gift we can give our children? Does a marriage where couples are staying together mean that the family staying healthy? Certainly, that may have been the mindset in a past of societal norms and cultures, but more couples are realizing that a stable upbringing where both parents are together may not necessarily be the ideal when the home environment is volatile.

Counselling and play therapist, life coach and educationist Zaheera Badat said that the “instant culture” society that we are living in today has extended to the disintegrating of relationships between husbands and wives. Disconnection is happening on every level, and relationships are becoming transitory and fleeting, eroding the family structure.

While on the one hand the toxic environment of a home fraught with conflict, arguments, disagreements and silences is disturbing for a child of any age, the alternative of a separation or a divorce comes with its own set of challenges for the children like rebuilding lives.

Many are facing the possibility of “do we stay or do we go?” instead of going through the process of couples counselling, mediation and arbitration by family members, with the impact “falling squarely on the children.” From the wife’s perspective, living in chronic unhappiness creates burnout, resentment and can even lead to depression.

The well-being of the child is deeply connected with that of the mother. Zaheera emphasized that “when a woman is depleted, her capacity to be there for her children is also depleted.” If the mother’s mental health is protected, the child’s emotional wellbeing will also be protected. The main reason people stay in a toxic marriage is because they think they are shielding the children. However, Zaheera mentioned some of the reasons that women choose to stay:

• The “deep and most clawing fear of harming their children”,
• The fear of community judgement and causing negative aspersions about themselves,
• Societal norms of being tolerant,
• Fear of failure,
• Embarrassment and the need to “save face”,
• And the innate habit of making sabr and prioritising the stability of family.

As Muslims, we are taught to endure. While others may see it as an act of sacrifice, patience or sabr includes seeking help and making thoughtful decisions and is not meant to suppress or erase the emotional wellbeing of a person.

There is a very big difference in sabr that nurtures a family and sabr that erodes a family. If you are not being nurtured in your marriage, you are unable to nurture your children, and you may seem available from the outside, but your children are fully aware that they cannot reach you emotionally. It may be possible to protect children from the unhappiness that you feel, but you cannot shield them from the negative environment in your home, where you are putting on a facade.

So, what does an unhappy marriage look like to a child in therapy? Many young children do not have the words to express how they are feeling as it is beyond their scope of understanding. “Children internalise their emotional climate,” stated Zaheera, so they play out fear and confusion during therapy, demonstrating their own unhappiness. Kids can adapt better to a healthy change than remaining in a “pressure cooker.” For children, silence equals uncertainty, and they do not benefit from their parents “enduring pain quietly,” but rather from emotional honesty. Some kids block out what’s happening in their home, others may display how they’re feeling through body language or overtly aggressive behaviour, some may become tearful, and still others may role-play and act rudely. Older children can express themselves in words, but for younger kids, play-therapy happens on their terms. In a near-perfect relaxed home, children are more relaxed when playing, but when the home is tense, children may persistently play out a happy-families scenario or act aggressively.

Before the children came along, the family unit consisted of the couple alone. Because kids process everything, Zaheera suggested not getting your kids involved in resolving your issues. Young adults or teens deal with things in one of two ways – either they show that they don’t care, or they align with one parent and become that parent’s confidante, becoming privy to the internal dynamics of the marriage and thereby forcing alliances. This creates preconceived ideas with young girls having misconceived perceptions of the male gender and young boys becoming misogynistic on identifying with their father when he demonises their mother. Even very young children show the effects of home conflict, and adult children feel the effect of their parents’ issues.

So, when can staying work? It can only work when the couple is willing to make a change together, can put aside their “fragile egos,” and can commit to “restoring emotional safety to their home,” said Zaheera. When partners commit to undergo whatever process to make their marriage work and their home peaceful, kids learn resilience, accountability, mercy, forgiveness and clemency.

And when will staying for the sake of the children no longer work? When adults decide to separate, knowing that leaving, not staying, will preserve their family values. Parents who are planning on separation or divorce must handle the situation in a “holistically healthy” way. For children, the adjustment to a new life is easier when the separation is amicable and respectable on all fronts. Children cope better with change than they do in a very quiet or excessively noisy household that is fraught with unhappiness due to conflicting parents. Kids should look at separation from the “point of viewership” and not become embroiled in their parent’s battle and the “dirty aspects of what divorce looks like.” Children at all levels of development still need both parents to be emotionally present for them. While divorce will never be a “good experience,” parents must ensure that their kids perceive it in a healthy way, maintain their own integrity and separate without guilt. Zaheera concluded on this note: “If our goal is to have healthy children, then healthy children are raised by emotionally supportive mothers.”

Listen to the full program with Faaiza Munshi and Zaheera Badat here.