Rabia Mayet | rabiamayet@radioislam.co.za

16 July 2025

6-minute read

While character and piety very rarely feature in spousal selection, Ml Bham mentioned the hadith, something to the effect, “whoever marries a woman solely for her wealth, Allah will increase him in poverty; and whoever marries a woman solely for her nobility, Allah will disgrace him with lowliness, and he will not get the nobility that he seeks through the means of that marriage. But whoever seeks through marriage to lower his gaze, guard his chastity and modesty, and help him to be kind to his spouse and other people, then Allah will bless both the parties in marriage.”

Hasan RA advised a man who was looking to get his daughter married: “Give her to someone who fears Allah.” If he loves her, he will love her and be kind to her, and if for some reason tension arises in the marriage, his fear of Allah will prevent him from treating her unjustly and from abusing her. Imam Abu Hanifa ra mentioned that when choosing a spouse, look for compatibility.

Compatibility is defined as ensuring that there is a reasonable chance of success between the couple to be. One should not ignore things that threaten the compatibility like a huge gap in age, or a great gap in educational level. Don’t go solely on emotion, as emotion blinds one to seeing the faults of a prospective spouse and dealing with those faults. One should try to create a situation with a good percentage of success like marrying someone who has a similar background to himself or herself and try to narrow the differences to make it work. Another aspect to take into account is people who have children from a previous marriage. When Umm Salamah RA voiced her concerns about her children from her other marriage and her sensitive nature to Nabi SAW upon his proposal, Nabi SAW responded by saying: “I will take care of your sensitivities.” Nabi SAW had the capacity to look after all his wives appropriate to their age and on each of their levels.

Ml Bham reiterated that statement that while marriage can be recommended or arranged, it cannot be enforced or imposed. Parents should not impose their likes and dislikes upon their own children but should rather consider the happiness and take the consent of their children. Forced marriages are customary and have no basis in deen. A representative and two witnesses are required to be present at the nikah to clarify that the girl has given consent to marrying the said boy. A girl who refuses the recommendation given by her parents is not disobedient because Islam has given her the right to consent or refuse a proposal put forward to her. Once a young woman came to Nabi SAW and said that her parents got her married without her consent whereupon Nabi SAW gave her the right to refuse or to continue.

According to Ml Bham: “every marriage is arranged, it just depends on who arranges it”. It might be the girl or boy’s parents, friends, the environment or even a specific event or incident that propels a person to get married. The important aspect is the consent of both parties. Marriage arranged by the parents is not a negative thing as parents will look for a compatible spouse for their son or daughter to develop love within the institute of their marriage. Regardless of how common or accepted it is in society today a love marriage is impermissible. “Don’t marry the person you love, love the person you marry.”

A relationship of romance and love before marriage is a very artificial one. Couples who court or date will naturally only show the best side of themselves to the other person, their kindness and gentleness, the outward manifestation of the boy or girl. Faults only become apparent after marriage, private habits and unbecoming behaviours will remain hidden. Seeing a boy or girl before marriage is an illusion as you will not see the real person before you marry him or her. People court before marriage will never speak about the problems and responsibilities of life – how to pay the bills, how to deal with each other’s moods, or how to deal with the extended family. When suddenly being confronted with such challenges, it becomes an argument leading to a major problem. Important things get left on the backburner as courting couples are used to agreeing with each other, sacrificing and compromising with the other party to keep up the image of being in love. Each tries to please the other by presenting the best image of him or herself.

Nabi SAW has said, something to the effect: “If a boy and girl are alone, then the third is Shaytaan.” When a boy and girl are intimate before marriage, they will always look at each other with a certain degree of suspicion once they are married, doubting whether their spouse will remain faithful. “Love is a combination of many things that can become harmful,” says Ml Bham. Statistics prove that marriages that are arranged are much more successful than marriages that stem from a boy and girl getting involved in a romantic relationship beforehand. “Love grows from marriage between two people who are compatible to one another and respect one another.” On the other hand, in a courting relationship, often “love evaporates on marriage’s doorstep.”

Many times, the real reason for the failure of marriages stem from disobedience to Allah SWT. Even if you intend getting married to your prospective suitor, the one whose marriage is based on the prohibitive foundations should hasten to repent. Ml Bham concluding advice was for all prospective couples to start their relationship on a “sound footing.”

Listen to the full program with Ml Ebrahin Bham here.