Rabia Mayet | rabiamayet@radioislam.co.za

25 July 2025

4-minute read

“Love grows through a compatible marriage.”

Islamic teachings advise the potential couple to see one another before marrying. Nabi SAW advised a Sahabi RA to go and see the girl he intended marrying before they made nikah, to promote love and pleasantness between the couple, and to avoid a natural repugnance. In a manner consistent with Islamic guidelines, the couple should be allowed to communicate face to face to ascertain whether the person they are meeting is suitable to marry. If the discussion becomes extensive, there should be a chaperone present. Both the the girl and boy are encouraged to look beyond the apparent to judge the real person beneath the exterior that he or she portrays.

How do you find girls to marry? While in the past there used to be aunties in the community who were matchmakers, and a handful do still exist today, nowadays there are social media matchmaking platforms to find a suitable spouse. There are also certain matchmaking groups that capture and save the profile of the boy or girl looking for a potential partner. Ml Bham advises getting references from someone who is close to the family of the boy or girl in a dignified manner. Approach a person who will give their honest opinion and advice to get more information on the boy or girl in question. There are no guarantees in life so if things do go wrong, the parties involved should not blame the person who introduced the couple to each other. As a girl, be reasonable in your expectations, and don’t look for reasons to turn down a proposal on a superficial basis.

So, what should be discussed at the first meeting? Instead of focusing on trivial issues like favourite colours or food preferences, or making unreasonable demands, real issues like each other’s level of deen, the character of the person, and upbringing of children ought to be touched on. Neither one should set unusually high expectations, “expect perfection” or think there can be “zero-defects,” as portrayed by influencers on social media.

But where does the “seeing” stop? The first “seeing” should not go beyond the boundaries of courtesy to flirtation. Dating and further meetings once the decision has been taken is contrary to Islam, as it is not sensible to start the noble endeavour of nikah in sin.

In the past, many men got their daughters married without their permission, a method not acceptable in Islam. When Ali RA came to propose for the daughter of Nabi SAW, Nabi SAW put the proposal forward to her. Fatima RA’s silence in response was taken as acceptance of the proposal. “The silence of a virgin woman is consent, whereas a woman who was previously married has to verbally give her consent,” Ml Bham mentioned.

The next step once the girl and boy have made their choice is the proposal. One of the important things to keep in mind is the advice of Rasulullah SAW not to make one proposal over another. If there is another proposal on the table, it is impermissible and against etiquette to put forward your proposal. While Shariah gives allowance for boys to see girls until the right one is found, a matter of concern is boys who go to see a number of girls just to suss them out. This can lead to the boy becoming too choosy and losing out in the end.

The proposal is made on behalf of the boy to the girl’s parents or guardian. The boy’s family goes to see the girl’s family and puts forth the proposal. Once the girl’s family has made the necessary enquiries about the boy, the girl will be given some time to consider the proposal and make istikhaarah salaah before giving her consent. “Her consent and voluntary acceptance has been made absolutely necessary,” Ml Bham emphasized. In consideration of a woman’s dignity and modesty, her marriage should be settled through the agency of her parents or her elders, and not by herself. If the incident were left in her own hands, “she could fall prey to the deceitful overtures of the wooer, and the romantic fantasies and promises made by someone” and would be unable to see through it, eventually leading to her making the wrong choice. Ml Bham concluded with the hadith: “There is no nikah of a woman except though her guardian.”

Listen to the full discussion here.