Rabia Mayet | rabiamayet@radioislam.co.za

31 July 2025

4-minute read

“The greatest nikah in terms of blessedness is the one in which the least amount of expenses is involved.”

Islam does not insist on the formality that is the engagement. Western innovation is often contrary to Sharee requirement. According to Ml Ebrahim Bham, exorbitant amounts of money are spent at an engagement, and extravagant gifts and parcels are exchanged with unnecessary spectacles to “appease our Western indoctrinated ego,”

Once the proposal has been communicated through the intermediary of the parents and the girl’s consent has been taken and accepted, the next step is to make the matter known to the public in a dignified manner. This is to ensure that other suitors do not come to the door seeking the girl’s hand in marriage after she is “proposed.”

As a preliminary approach to marriage, a gathering of the two families can be arranged with food being served and gifting done on a small scale to formalise the acceptance and symbolise the impending marriage. The primary motivation should be to develop ties between the two families and without the intention of making a show of things. There should also be no physical interaction between the boy and girl at the gathering, or even after it once they are engaged. The purpose of this is so that the two families can meet and familiarise themselves with each other before the union of the proposed couple.

In the Indo-Pak subcontinent, excessive pressure is put upon the girl’s parents to provide items for the marital home. If they fall short in fulfilling the demands of the boy’s family, the girl is then ostracised. Some boys’ families put excessive pressure on the girls’ family to bring gifts into the marital home, putting great demands on them and causing a “great amount of problems.” It is also against the dignity of the boys’ family to beg of things from the girls’ family. The responsibility to provide falls on the boy once the marriage has been undertaken.

Once the formalities are concluded, there should be no “unnecessary delay” of the nikah. Nabi SAW said in a hadith something to the effect: “Three things should not be delayed: salaah when the time appears, burial when the janazah is ready, and nikah when a suitable match is found.” When the marriage is delayed after the engagement, unnecessary complications come about. A lengthy period between the proposal and the nikah is not advisable. In this “waiting period” the girl and boy yearn for each other, thus distracting them for the purpose of nikah. This can lead to the couple going out and dating, causing them to “become adventurous” and start off the relationship in the wrong manner. Communicating on the phone prior to the marriage is a “grey area,” as words of lust and temptation can be uttered between the two. A further complication of interaction between the couple before they are married is the arguments that can arise even if things are said in innocence. In cases where the couple become intimate, there is always guilt once the marriage is entered into and the wonder of a physical relationship is diminished with the sparkle of attraction being lost. Nabi SAW has stated something to the effect that: “No man be in privacy with a woman who is totally lawful unto him because if they do, Shaytaan will be the third.” Some engagements are even broken because of issues that come up in the period leading up to the marriage.

There are consequences of going against the commands of Allah. If you do something against the shariah and it works out, that does not make the initial act correct. Some marriages do not work out even though things may start off on the right footing because the couple may not be compatible as in the case of Zaid RA and Zainab RA. Love does not stem from a proposal or an engagement, it is the act of Nikah that causes love to spring forth and grow.

Listen to the full program with Ml Ebrahim Bham here.