By Mufti Yusuf Moosagie
18:06:2021

When a Muslim is afflicted with a difficulty of any sort, be it the loss of a loved one or any other hardship, and he or she bears it patiently, then Almighty Allah rewards them for their patience.

عَنْ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ، قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ ـ صلى الله عليه وسلم ـ ‏ “‏ مَنْ عَزَّى مُصَابًا فَلَهُ مِثْلُ أَجْرِهِ ‏”‏

Whoever consoles an afflicted person will receive the same reward [as the sufferer will upon his Sabr]. (At-Tirmidhī)

If you console the person with the right words, you will receive the same reward they receive for their patience.

Do you find yourself lost for words when having to meet someone who lost a loved one?

I want to share a few tips on what to say and what not to say, beginning with the latter:

1)  Do not say “I know how you feel’ – because you don’t unless you have been in the same situation. Then, every person deals with grief differently, and you don’t truly know what they are feeling.

You may be attempting to emphasize, but it may come across as minimising their experience.

2) Do not say, “At least.”

“At least she lived a long life, and many people die young.”

“At least she isn’t suffering,”

“At least you have other children,”

“At least you spent the last days with the deceased.”

 Do not force gratitude on the person. You are trying to force them to look at the positive when they are feeling terrible. Just acknowledge that the situation is bad and validate their feelings.

3) Do not give  instructions  like: “Be strong” or “Be patient.”

Rather say: “May Almighty Allah grant you patience.”

The world that the person knows has been rocked, and they are in a very vulnerable space. They may respond to your instruction inappropriately, which would be detrimental to their Imam.

4) Avoid saying things like: “Just give it time; time heals.” or  “Stop crying”, or “You shouldn’t feel that way.”

All of this would dismiss or undermine what the person is feeling. Let them feel what they are feeling. Allow them to mourn and express themselves.

On the other hand, here  are some tips on what you could say:

1) Say less and listen more:

You do not have to give an elaborate message to the bereaved. Rather, the sincerity and empathy with which you say it, even if it is something short, will create an impact. You can say things like: “I am so sorry for your loss”,” I wish I had the right words, know I care”, or “I am always just a phone call away.”

2). Make Dua for the deceased:

عَظَّمَ اللهُ أَجْرَكَ، وَأَحْسَنَ عَزَاءَكَ، وَغَفَرَ لِمَيِّتَكَ،

“May  Almighty Allah increase your reward, and grant you good consolation, and forgive your deceased.”[Mirqatul Mafatih Part 4, page 193]

3). Share stories about the deceased

One of the most helpful things you can do for a grieving person shares a memory of his or her loved one or talk about something that the deceased did that impacted your life.

The grieving person is thinking about the deceased 100% of the time. When you share stories about the deceased, the person will feel more connected to the deceased.

4). Offer Help

Saying “Is there anything I can do for you?” is nice, but actually offering specific help is better. Proactively offer specific support. “I made a big pot of soup, and I will be in your neighbourhood. Can I drop some off for you?”

Sayyidina Abdullah ibn Abbas Radiyallahu Anhu says that at the time of his father’s death, a bedouin could console him as no one else. The bedouin recited a few couplets, the last of which was:

خَيْرُ مِّنِ الْعَبَّاسِ أَجْرُكَ بَعْدَهُ

وَاللهُ خَيْرٌ مِّنْكَ لِلْعَبَّاسِِ

“Better for you than Abbas is the reward you will receive you will receive after him:

And Allah is better for Abbas than you” [Ihya Uloom  Vol 4, P 131]

Through these words, the grieving son was reminded that although he had suffered a loss, the gain brought by patience is superior.

He was also reminded that his father might have lost his son’s company, but he has gone to meet his creator.

What is better for Sayyidina Abbas – being with his son or being with Allah?

May Almighty Allah grant Jannatul Firdose to all the deceased and grant beautiful patience to all the bereaved.