Rabia Mayet | rabiamayet@radioislam.co.za

07 August 2025

5-minute read

“The more we delay the marriage, the more complications arise,” were the opening words of Ml Ebrahim Bham in this, the seventh episode of the Pathways to Marriage series.

So, while some families have long-drawn periods between the engagement and the nikah, a forbidden courtship cannot be the basis for a successful marriage. Apart from the grave sin of dating, psychological harms can also come about. “Shaytaan runs through our body the way blood runs through our body,” and Shaytaan will use his persuasive charms to tempt the couple-to-be into an illicit relationship. When you overlook the important things, when you lack the fear of Allah SWT and indulge in sin, it can sometimes come back to haunt you, warned Ml Bham.

In every marriage, there is a degree of sacrifice and a shared commitment to a future life together. Couples who don’t have a set income and are still studying, and whose parents have the means to support them should encourage their children to get married. Certain sacrifices will have to be made like the girl living with the boy’s parents, or the boy’s family supporting the couple.

Although a nikah can take place without a hall, it is important and recommended that it take place in a masjid. Unfortunately, nowadays more attention is given to the actual function than to the sacredness of the nikah and the couple living together thereafter. Every preparation is made for the wedding or walimah function with unnecessary focus on minute details like décor and dress, colour scheme and menu, but little or no effort is put into place for the nikah ceremony. It is essential to get the nikah book beforehand. It is also “compulsory” for the girl and boy to know what is required of them, their responsibilities, their rights and duties as husband and wife once they are married. Premarital classes or some type of “nikah adaptation’ lessons are good refreshers or points of reference to get oriented for the upcoming marriage.

A marriage contract can be put into place beforehand to curb “certain conflicts” that may come about. For example, you can’t get married to a professional woman and then tell her that she cannot work. Another example is where a woman puts in a condition that she will have the right of release from the marriage if her husband takes a second wife.

Complications arise when a couple makes nikah in secrecy. How does the man look after the secret wife who no-one else knows exists? It is essential for contractual obligations to be done in writing with two witnesses present.

The mahr is Waajib. The definition of mahr is the money paid to the wife by the husband at the nikah ceremony, with the amount should being agreed upon before the nikah takes place. Mahr is not prize money for the wife, rather mahr is given as a mark of honour and respect to the wife. It is also an admission of financial independence to the bride, and to show commitment from the side of the husband. Ml Bham advises that the mahr should not be stipulated “in lieu of,” but should rather just be stated with the amount. The mahr is collected by the father on behalf of his daughter and is given to the bride; thereby making her the owner of it.

There are 2 types of mahr: cash, where the money can be given in one go or deferred, where it can be given over time. However, even in the case of the deferred option, some portion of it should be given as cash. Mahr-e-Fatimi is set at 500 silver coins in accordance with the Sunnah. A lesser or greater amount can be settled upon by the couple. In the case of Umm Habiba RA, Najashi, the King of Abyssinia, paid a mahr of 400 gold coins on behalf of Nabi SAW. Jewellery can be part of the mahr, but it must be stipulated as part of the agreement.

Certain cultures demand “exorbitant sums of mahr” for example in certain African countries. Umar RA advised the people after the passing of Nabi SAW to be moderate in giving mahr upon marriage, but an old woman responded by saying that it is the wife’s right to ask for any amount she desires. In the Indo-Pak subcontinent, an act known as “jehz” is carried out, where excessive pressure is put upon the girl’s parents to provide items for the marital home. In South Africa, many brides’ families are expected to provide the bedroom furniture for the couple. It is undignified of the boys’ family to beg of things from the girls’ family. The responsibility to provide falls on the boy once the marriage has been undertaken.

A hadith goes something to the effect: ‘Whoever weds a woman upon an agreed mahr and in his heart there is no intention to pay it, will appear before Almighty Allah SWT on the day of Qiyamah as an adulterer’. In some instances, when a divorce happens, some men insist on taking the mahr back. This is an abominable act, as Nabi SAW has said (something to the effect) that asking for a gift to be returned is like the example of a dog who consumes his own vomit. Whatever mahr is agreed upon takes precedence over other presents that the man may gift his bride, and the mahr cannot be taken back.

Listenr to the full discussion with Ml Ebrahim Bham and Ml Ibrahim Daya.