Rabia Mayet | rabiamayet@radioislam.co.za

26 June 2025

6-minute read

Choosing a partner for marriage is absolutely crucial. One’s future and lineage is largely dependent on the selection of a spouse, and Nabi SAW has advised men to look for good wives who will make good mothers, based on beauty, family lineage, wealth and deen. Ml Taqi Osmani speaks on how nikah plays a role in protecting our chastity, continues the human race, and provides the ideal environment to bring up children in.

When a person who is ready for marriage…where does he start? In this series on the Pathways to Marriage, Ml Ebrahim Bham outlined numerous factors to consider in the selection of a spouse.

1. Communicate your intention with your first intention being to follow the sunnah. Proceed to Allah with your need then discuss it with your parents. Choosing your spouse on your own or getting involved with someone before nikah without the support of your parents is not advisable. However, if a boy finds a suitable girl on his own, his parents shouldn’t refuse their son or daughter’s choice based on them being from a different gam or from strange lineage.
2. Self-reflect. Consider if you are mature enough to begin a lifetime relationship; make a list of the positives and negatives, seeking the assistance and advice of family and friends. Are you mentally strong enough to take on a partner? If a girl or boy has had a previous relationship with a person of the same gender, parents should not bring another person into a marriage to “fix” their child. Don’t deal with this issue by using the institute of marriage to correct your child as this causes a “great amount of turmoil” in relationships. Can you bear the expenses of a wife, especially one who is accustomed to a certain way of life? It is not compulsory for the man to provide luxury, but it is compulsory for him to provide a home for his wife that includes the basic necessities as well as a degree of privacy. It is challenging for a newly wedded couple to live in a communal or family set up. However, if finances do not allow separate living, the least the husband can do is keep an area of privacy for him and his wife within the family home. Parents can help their children start up their life if they are young or still studying. Ask the boy if he can manage financially or would be willing to take assistance in bringing your daughter into his nikah. Another issue is that of drugs. “Love doesn’t conquer everything.” Ml Bham emphasized to girls seeking to get married to someone who they are aware is an addict: “you are a wife, you are not a drug counsellor.” Parents who come to know that the future spouse is a drug addict should tread carefully. “You can’t take a chance on your daughter’s future on the assumption that things will come right.”
3. Adjust your mindset. Prepare for your path to marriage knowing that it will be “challenging.” A girl’s parents can attempt to find a suitable husband for their daughter as this is not against shariah. “Don’t give off negative vibes that attract negative outcomes,” says Ml Bham. Don’t become despondent if you do not find a suitable spouse immediately. “You can’t put your life on hold while you are waiting for a spouse.” Continue to study, learn, work, be an active community member, upskill yourself, take on new hobbies, and spend time with friends.
4. A spouse should be considered for four characteristics: beauty, wealth, lineage and religiosity. When parents are looking for a man to marry their daughter to, they should look for that man who fears Allah. Good character is essential. While all four are criteria to take into consideration, the main basis should be religiosity. Character, conduct and piety are essential, as is temperament. A man who has only an outward manifestation of piety is not good enough, because “the person who is pious will not praise his piety.” On the other hand, a beautiful woman lacks humility and may become arrogant and the cause of her own downfall because of her looks. While most men look for beauty, women look for wealth, but both of these “are temporary values subject to the vicissitudes of time.” Mature people should choose a suitable partner based on these same criteria, but with the addition of getting married for companionship and mutual care, taking into consideration their own children and those of their potential spouse.
5. “Measure nine times, cut once,” advises Ml Bham. When a boy comes to see your daughter, size him up, get testimonials from people who know him, but be careful of red flags like past addictions and anger mismanagement. Check correctly that your daughter’s future partner ticks all the boxes, but once you’re satisfied and she has made her decision, don’t delay in making nikah.
6. The concept of a love marriage or an arranged marriage has a very easy and straightforward answer in deen. If you have daughters, keep your doors open for male suitors to come and see them, but remember that while marriage can be arranged, it cannot be enforced. Flirting and dating is against shariah but do take the time to ask the questions that matter when viewing a potential spouse. Don’t expect your son or daughter to get married to someone chosen by you, their parents. Rather, encourage your son or daughter to seriously consider marriage to a person who you know to have good character.
7. “Marriage automatically attracts the barakah of Allah,” so don’t make not having enough finances to get married the foundation of your single status.
8. Choose an anti-nuptial contract when getting married because the husband’s wealth is his, while the wives belong to her.

So, while choosing a suitable spouse may be a walk in the park for some, for others it can be a time-consuming process that does not come easily to fruition. But by considering these criteria, insha’Allah, finding a spouse will be simple for all those out there looking to settle down.

Listen to the full interview 1 and the full interview 2 with Ml Ebrahim Bham and Ml Ibrahim Daya.